Running wild
Welcome 2007.
Not really excited about it, for the beginning seems rather shady already. However, I know that I'll ride the thunderstorms once again. With a million depressing entries and a another million happy ones.
If theres anything that always gets me true, its the inspiration of music. The sheer joy of sound can bring you immense heights in terms of feelings. From fear, to strength, to determination, to love, to hurt, to remourse to anger, to hate, to frustration, to sadness to just simply the most gay moments.
And for that, I deduce that has been my way of getting on with the riding of waves and storms. Of course, lets not forget prayer. But the bulk of emotional essense came from songs. Some signified my life, some simply amplified what my life meant to me. It never ends. The life we lead never stops, even when death parts us, it never does.
I recall a recent exercise I did recently during speech class. Write your current age on the top right hand corner of the page. Followed by, the age you would most like to be on the top left hand corner. For some, an early age, where troubles, worries do not exist. For some, an age non exitstent for life has been utterly cruel to them. For me, I put 23. But does that still remain? I used to think Ill be happy at 18 years old. eligible to drink, club, get caught and sent to jail. Well, whatever it was, it doesnt exist in me now. I somehow do not yearn for all these anymore. Whats the use of having fun, joy, laughter and then a hell lot of mistakes if you know your missing something. Something that would bring you to a place youll never wnat to leave.
Maybe I am talking about heaven. yea right. The day I tallk about me dying would probably be never, because I love living. For many, it sucks to feel. Sure feeling happy is wonderful, but what about the dire times when we feel that all hope is lost, and life is turning its back on us, and nothing is right. Do we like that feeling? I for one, definitely do not. However, I guess ive learnt over the years that it really is a blessing to feel. To be able to experience emotion. And I thank God for every ounce of it. For allowing me to test my boundaries, to test my limits. And most recently to be able to conquer and area Ive never ever been able to. To shove away all sense of pessimism, although it still exists. But yet, keep a positive light of determination at the end of the day.
I have to admit, i woke up this afternoon feeling rather sluggish. Simply because of a dream I had. I realised, my boundaries, limitations, time waits for no one. It moves on. I realised how maybe in several ways, I have not achieved what I thought I would have. I dragged myself out of the feeling of distress into the bathroom and washed up. I stared myself straight into mirror. Who is this I see? Who is this I know? Who is this I am?
I am Lucas Immanuel Tok. I am officially 18. I am a jester, I am a fool, I am the brother, the son, the godbrother, the listener, the friend, the wholesome jist of me its all within my personanlity. I am the mass communications student who hasnt done his assignments.
And who was I? who did I shove aside? Who did conquer?
I conquered, the attention seeker (although I still am in various ways), the horny drunk bastard, the unlistener, the decision maker, the smoker, the one who always gave up, the one who always wanted to give up.
I am not anyone I know today. I feel different, the feeling is different. The feeling that I've conquered doubt has immensely driven me on. I am willing, I am going to. I dont think many read my blog nowadays due to the lack of updating.
But whatever the case, I know most of my goodfriend know Im the most fickle of people. When it comes to love especially. And for this, i want to apologise to all who Ive said I loved and have gone back on my word, I accept the mistake Ive made and I wish you all the best in your endeavours.
All my goodfriends would also know I say the darnest things in the most drastic of times. I am, prone to making alot of stupit mistakes and then regretting. I am prone to breaking things too.
For all that I am, I can say now, the life I am going upon now, is a different one. Its one that I can forsee myself living. although I agree, I do not enjoy the happiest of times, the most jovial moments of life and the most peaceful and cuddly times. I must say, I seek that. I'm not going to run away from the fact that since it isnt here, I my as well just hover aside and make plenty more mistakes. I seek it, and i yearn for the day I have it.
For me, I may be 17 going on 18. I may be young, but I have every right to search for that. "life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what to expect". Life indeed is, I take my chances when I can. I dont know what Ill gain, I really dont. I dont see how I am going to reach 23 without dying. But the same thing occured when, I was 11, and I couldnt see myself 17 going on 18. Now its here.
We cant turn back time, but only look forward, and I am looking forward to that. The turth and agony does hurt alot sometimes, But Ill always remember the words of Morrie. "when You feel something for the first time, sink your wholeself into the emotion and absorb every single ounce of it to let out whatever you feel in that short span of time" Its not that hard. Cause when you do, the next time you encounter it, youll know how to fix it.
Yes, I will still feel like a bump and useless and dreadful and not having my peace alot of times, but I know how to go about it. For one, I will not run away from it.
You know how You me and dupree seems like a really dumb show, but honestly, I love life. Embrace it. We dont live to study/work. We study/work to live. We embrace that fact. We enjoy every moment of living we have. Just like how some of us enjoy our sleep so much. Enjoy that.
I am not a turnaround tide who just had a million and one epihany's mind you. But rather, a bundle of thoughts Ive been yearning to say, to let out. Somehow, I found it hard sharing with people. I find it much easier to say here.
yes, all these are only words, and words are only words, action speaks louder. But like the very same feeling as infatuation, words somehow, well thay have similarities. The simple spark of love does not come running down our face just like that., It all starts of with infatuation. Same thing, action does not just come out like that, it comes about with thoughts, ideas, words.
I know not alot about life because I still am living it, but I know the bulk of it that says, dont waste it! It screams out at me.
Thats why I love God.
Thats why I love My family.
Thats why I love the Jiggsters.
Thats why I love My cathechism friends.
Thats why I love rciy (although im mia-ing)
Thats why I love my mass comm friends (although we are very diff)
Thats why I love RCCL.
Thats why I love Cyf.
Thats why I love the Church.
Thats why I love Char and the gang.
Thats why I love Rubik's Kube.
Thats why I love My sisters.
Thats why I love my other friends.
Thats why I love my mentors.
Thats why I love the world.
Thats why I love YOU!!!
Happy 2007
By the way, this whole entry was written with the inspiration of "Fix you" by Coldplay.
I hope you had fun reading.
Not really excited about it, for the beginning seems rather shady already. However, I know that I'll ride the thunderstorms once again. With a million depressing entries and a another million happy ones.
If theres anything that always gets me true, its the inspiration of music. The sheer joy of sound can bring you immense heights in terms of feelings. From fear, to strength, to determination, to love, to hurt, to remourse to anger, to hate, to frustration, to sadness to just simply the most gay moments.
And for that, I deduce that has been my way of getting on with the riding of waves and storms. Of course, lets not forget prayer. But the bulk of emotional essense came from songs. Some signified my life, some simply amplified what my life meant to me. It never ends. The life we lead never stops, even when death parts us, it never does.
I recall a recent exercise I did recently during speech class. Write your current age on the top right hand corner of the page. Followed by, the age you would most like to be on the top left hand corner. For some, an early age, where troubles, worries do not exist. For some, an age non exitstent for life has been utterly cruel to them. For me, I put 23. But does that still remain? I used to think Ill be happy at 18 years old. eligible to drink, club, get caught and sent to jail. Well, whatever it was, it doesnt exist in me now. I somehow do not yearn for all these anymore. Whats the use of having fun, joy, laughter and then a hell lot of mistakes if you know your missing something. Something that would bring you to a place youll never wnat to leave.
Maybe I am talking about heaven. yea right. The day I tallk about me dying would probably be never, because I love living. For many, it sucks to feel. Sure feeling happy is wonderful, but what about the dire times when we feel that all hope is lost, and life is turning its back on us, and nothing is right. Do we like that feeling? I for one, definitely do not. However, I guess ive learnt over the years that it really is a blessing to feel. To be able to experience emotion. And I thank God for every ounce of it. For allowing me to test my boundaries, to test my limits. And most recently to be able to conquer and area Ive never ever been able to. To shove away all sense of pessimism, although it still exists. But yet, keep a positive light of determination at the end of the day.
I have to admit, i woke up this afternoon feeling rather sluggish. Simply because of a dream I had. I realised, my boundaries, limitations, time waits for no one. It moves on. I realised how maybe in several ways, I have not achieved what I thought I would have. I dragged myself out of the feeling of distress into the bathroom and washed up. I stared myself straight into mirror. Who is this I see? Who is this I know? Who is this I am?
I am Lucas Immanuel Tok. I am officially 18. I am a jester, I am a fool, I am the brother, the son, the godbrother, the listener, the friend, the wholesome jist of me its all within my personanlity. I am the mass communications student who hasnt done his assignments.
And who was I? who did I shove aside? Who did conquer?
I conquered, the attention seeker (although I still am in various ways), the horny drunk bastard, the unlistener, the decision maker, the smoker, the one who always gave up, the one who always wanted to give up.
I am not anyone I know today. I feel different, the feeling is different. The feeling that I've conquered doubt has immensely driven me on. I am willing, I am going to. I dont think many read my blog nowadays due to the lack of updating.
But whatever the case, I know most of my goodfriend know Im the most fickle of people. When it comes to love especially. And for this, i want to apologise to all who Ive said I loved and have gone back on my word, I accept the mistake Ive made and I wish you all the best in your endeavours.
All my goodfriends would also know I say the darnest things in the most drastic of times. I am, prone to making alot of stupit mistakes and then regretting. I am prone to breaking things too.
For all that I am, I can say now, the life I am going upon now, is a different one. Its one that I can forsee myself living. although I agree, I do not enjoy the happiest of times, the most jovial moments of life and the most peaceful and cuddly times. I must say, I seek that. I'm not going to run away from the fact that since it isnt here, I my as well just hover aside and make plenty more mistakes. I seek it, and i yearn for the day I have it.
For me, I may be 17 going on 18. I may be young, but I have every right to search for that. "life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what to expect". Life indeed is, I take my chances when I can. I dont know what Ill gain, I really dont. I dont see how I am going to reach 23 without dying. But the same thing occured when, I was 11, and I couldnt see myself 17 going on 18. Now its here.
We cant turn back time, but only look forward, and I am looking forward to that. The turth and agony does hurt alot sometimes, But Ill always remember the words of Morrie. "when You feel something for the first time, sink your wholeself into the emotion and absorb every single ounce of it to let out whatever you feel in that short span of time" Its not that hard. Cause when you do, the next time you encounter it, youll know how to fix it.
Yes, I will still feel like a bump and useless and dreadful and not having my peace alot of times, but I know how to go about it. For one, I will not run away from it.
You know how You me and dupree seems like a really dumb show, but honestly, I love life. Embrace it. We dont live to study/work. We study/work to live. We embrace that fact. We enjoy every moment of living we have. Just like how some of us enjoy our sleep so much. Enjoy that.
I am not a turnaround tide who just had a million and one epihany's mind you. But rather, a bundle of thoughts Ive been yearning to say, to let out. Somehow, I found it hard sharing with people. I find it much easier to say here.
yes, all these are only words, and words are only words, action speaks louder. But like the very same feeling as infatuation, words somehow, well thay have similarities. The simple spark of love does not come running down our face just like that., It all starts of with infatuation. Same thing, action does not just come out like that, it comes about with thoughts, ideas, words.
I know not alot about life because I still am living it, but I know the bulk of it that says, dont waste it! It screams out at me.
Thats why I love God.
Thats why I love My family.
Thats why I love the Jiggsters.
Thats why I love My cathechism friends.
Thats why I love rciy (although im mia-ing)
Thats why I love my mass comm friends (although we are very diff)
Thats why I love RCCL.
Thats why I love Cyf.
Thats why I love the Church.
Thats why I love Char and the gang.
Thats why I love Rubik's Kube.
Thats why I love My sisters.
Thats why I love my other friends.
Thats why I love my mentors.
Thats why I love the world.
Thats why I love YOU!!!
Happy 2007
By the way, this whole entry was written with the inspiration of "Fix you" by Coldplay.
I hope you had fun reading.
posted by Lucas | 2:54 pm
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